The Trucker Breeds

We are fast approaching the eight month anniversary of not only my dream-day wedding (haha) but also of when I first moved into the truck. Eight months of living in a tiny, cramped space, eating primarily fast food, having smoke perhaps permanently anchored in all of my belongings, and most importantly, driving, driving, driving. On one hand this is slightly depressing, but on the other, it’s reassuring because it’s a reminder that shortly, I will no longer have to live like this.

Over these past eight months, I’ve become far to accustomed to the different types of truckers, so I have taken it upon myself to label and describe these different groups to give you normal folks a look into the life of…us. Some groups coincide with others, and of course, there are exceptions that do not fit into any of them. Like Dan. I prefer to think of him not as a trucker, but just someone who drives a truck for a living. For the time being.

The Cowboy Trucker

He wears a felt hat, big belt buckle, wranglers, and possibly snakeskin boots. Quite possibly one of the cleaner of the different types of trucker, he is not often seen socializing with truckers in classes other than his own. He probably drives a livestock truck that smells terrible, and would be quite happy with a pair of long horns mounted on the front of his rig.

The Foreign Trucker

English is not their first language. And this is why they drive a truck. Most trucking companies claim to have some sort of standards, but in fact, they don’t. As long as you can drive and get the load there on time, who cares if you can actually effectively communicate with others via spoken word or writing? Commonly seen in this category are guys who look like they could be related to my husband, except really skinny and with a turban thing, as well as very African-y Africans. Some of them will attempt to speak to you when your husband is not around, because apparently someone told them all single girls roaming around the truck stop are hookers (or lot lizards, as the truckers call them) and they innocently believed them.

The “oh my god, that IS a woman” Trucker

I believe this label is self explanatory. You have to double take about three times before you, horrified, accept the fact that this person is actually female. It appears they may have an issue with their own sexuality and spent their childhood wishing they were a boy, and once reaching adulthood sought out this “manly” profession and immediately began competing with the guys to see who could get the dirtiest. They also curse like sailors and like to talk on the phone while sitting in the stall next to you in the bathroom.

The Social Outcast Trucker

This label may seem to general, because as everyone knows, all truckers are social outcast. But this kind of trucker is a breed of their own, and stand out, because even amongst the dregs of society that compiles truckers, they are an outcast. Several terms describing different mental illnesses come to mind. They associate with no one but seem to have some warped sense of self confidence. If they weren’t in a truck, they would probably be living in their mother’s basement dissecting the neighbors’ dog, stalking children on the internet, or planning their next serial murder. So for the safety of society, I suppose it’s better that they are in a truck.

The Midlife Crisis Trucker

Oh, these poor, poor, misinformed fools. Have you ever heard a perfectly normal person with a perfectly normal day job and perfectly normal family get that dreamy, glazed look over their face and say, “I think I’d like to drive a truck and just see the country…” They’ve had their career and raised their family. They’ve spent the past thirty years driving a mini van, and now they think they are going to liberate themselves by dropping all of that and moving into a truck. They are sweet and innocent and polite. They wear polo shirts and Birkenstocks and look rather timid while fueling their truck. They actually take showers on a somewhat regular basis and keep their trucks neat and tidy. They appear to be quite frightened of the other truckers, but you can be sure that their stories will be a big hit back home.

The Redneck Trucker

He has about twelve teeth. His pop was probably a trucker too, and therefore he probably has eighteen other half brothers and sisters in twenty three other states. You’ll probably see a rebel flag decal on the grille of his truck and some sort of grammatically incorrect statement lettered on the back such as “the difference between men and boys are the size of there toys”. (I did just see this today.) When they come rolling into the fuel island, Dueling Banjos starts playing and if you’re smart, you hide your ass.

The Trucker for Life/Really Lonely/Dedicated Trucker

I couldn’t really think of a better name for this group. They were suspenders and stand around outside the truck stop in groups, or in the drivers lounge, or the diner, or anywhere they can legally conglomerate to chain smoke and talk about one thing and one thing alone: trucking. At all hours of the day in all locations in the country, these guys are massing, and talking about the same things over…and over…and over. It never ends. It never varies. Shipper this, miles that, chained here, overweight there. Their favorite thing to complain about is normal car drivers - all four wheelers’ are idiots, because obviously if you could drive a truck, you would be doing so. These poor souls are really a lost cause.

The Trucking for Jesus Trucker

I can’t even fathom how emitting tons of horrible fumes in the air and guzzling diesel by traveling hundreds of miles each day is doing something for Jesus, but some guys think it is. They like to paint “JESUS CHRIST IS LORD, NOT A SWEAR WORD” all along their trailers and go into those creepy, cult trailer-chapel’s at the truck stops.

The “I get to go home every night” Trucker

This guy actually looks like he took a shower this morning, wears a button down shirt and a company hat. The only thing he has in common with these other truckers is that he drives a similar type of vehicle. Lucky bastard.

The Trucker Who Went to Kindergarten with Dinosaurs

How can this man still be alive? He probably invented trucking, the car, and the wheel. At very least he was the first man to ever professionally drive a semi. His hands shake while fueling and you are tempted to ask yourself, “is it actually legal for him to still be operating a vehicle of this size?” and more depressingly, “why can’t this poor man retire already?”