But, I feel so strange sitting here and thinking about how difficult this "journey" can be at times. Marriage is something for grown ups. Husbands and wives are grown ups. Problems are for grown ups. I'm just a kid, aren't I? Marriage isn't something for kids. I guess by that token, I don't really see this as marriage, then. I'm just living my life with my best friend and my other half. It doesn't even feel like he's another person. We click like two pieces of something that just need to be clicked together, and left that way.
I don't want to talk about anything but the great, happy, everything-is-perfect stuff, because I don't want my family and friends to love my husband any less. But at the same time I'm realizing now that they should also realize no one is perfect, and if they can't accept that about him, then they're not worth the effort anyways. That, and it's good to talk about things sometimes.
I'm really unhappy lately, or maybe a better description would be bi-polar. I think it's just living in the truck. I hate being dirty all the time. I look like a sick alien. My hair is so oily and limp and gross looking, I brush the crap out of it every day but I still look like a hobo. I haven't shaved in a month. All of the progress I made with my skin by means of tanning and excellent face wash is down the drain. I need a new toothbrush, mine tastes gross every time I brush my teeth. Over all I just feel really unattractive, and that's a really miserable way to feel when you're still a newlywed.
I'm also really tired all the time. My diet is atrocious, I don't get any exercise, and I don't sleep well. All this adds up to is that I'm constantly falling asleep while we're driving and it seems to really annoy Dan. I'm getting really tired of constantly getting crap for falling asleep. I'm tired. There's nothing else to do. Why not sleep? I don't do it on purpose. I honestly make an effort to try and stay awake, but I feel so crappy all the time I just can't do it, and I don't like feeling like it's my fault.
I'm also really tired of the computer. Aside from driving and sleeping, that's the only thing left. The computer. The internet. I'm sick on sitting on the computer, because there's nothing to do on it. Maybe if I had a massive, time consuming addiction to video games and other computer procured things, I could manage to spend twelve hours straight on the computer like Dan does. But I don't. So I'm left sitting in my corner mindlessly playing solitaire for hours and smoking even though I'm seriously sick of smoking and feeling like we never do anything together.
And at times I feel very angry at my husband for getting angry at me for things that I think, sometimes illogically, are his fault. Like he's in a bad mood because his back hurts from me pushing on it all night. My internal response: I'm not the one forcing us to live in a truck with a tiny, uncomfortable bed, and I'm not the one keeping the heat off all night so that I have to try steal body heat from you in attempts to be warm enough to sleep.
I miss my family, and social interaction. The only people I interact with are cashiers in truck stops. I miss my family, getting to see them and eat with them and talk with them in person, I miss my little sisters, and they're growing up right now and I'm not even there to see it or be an influence or a mentor for them. They don't even like to talk to me on the phone.
Essentially, I think this comes down to the fact that
Time to go drown my woes in obsessive playing of Sonic the Hedgehog!
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3 comments:
Welcome to married life, dear. It's so wonderful, isn't it? It really is. No one, NO ONE, is perfect. And we still love Dan as much as ever.
Living in a truck with your spouse would try a saint - if saints ever got married, that is.
You two need to get out of the truck. Even then, he's still not going to be sweet all the time. Some times he will be unbelievably unreasonable. And so will you.
We have much faith in you two. Miss you.
You dont have to be in the truck you know. My grandmother was married to a man who was a truck driver and she stayed at home. Same with my ex. You could be a truck driver, and drive a different truck? Regardless, you two need to decide what is best for both of you. Just because you love him doesnt mean you need to be there. He must understand what living in the truck is doing to you and agree that it would be best for both of you if you moved out. Then maybe it would motivate him to find another job so he could be home with you. What do you think?
I know I don't have to be here, in fact back in January I was thinking about moving back to Boise this month. But I just don't think I could do it, not just because Dan would be sad and lonely without me (and none of his trip-pak's would get done and he would never brush his teeth...) but I would miss him too much. Before we got married it was absolutely horrible only getting to see him once a month and we fought a lot more (mainly because I hated being on the phone all day and Dan didn't get enough attention). It was a mess.
Anyways, so we talked about it a lot and made a plan to just save our money and move out in May, and it's only a few months away and I know I can handle that. If that plan doesn't work out then we will re-evaluate and I may decide to move out before Dan to help the process of moving out, we'll just have to wait and see.
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